Thursday, March 28, 2013

Sometimes I just hate the world

have you ever gotten out of bed feeling like crap and decided to hate the world for the day?
you know, everything is someone's fault, and whoever happens be in the room is pissing you off? was one of those days.
Scott went in to work overtime last night and didn't wan to take pizza leftovers for lunch.
then at 4 am he calls me to say "don't freak out when I come in. I'm going to get that pizza."
I finally fall back to sleep, and am getting the best sleep of my life (ok, in all honesty, I probably wasn't sleeping that well but since I was pissed off I had to exaggerate it).
And what does Scott do? he calls me at 8 am to say "hey you wanted me to wake you up to work out when I got home, so I'll be there in 15 minutes"
looking back, that was actually really nice and considerate and all that, but I was like...WHAT THE WHAT?!
I could have slept 15 more minutes, and now Lillee is awake from the phone ringing and I don't want to go workout now because he didn't do what I asked and I HATE EVERYTHING RAWRRRRR!
So I figure I'll lay in bed with Lillee and coax her back to sleep so I can run to the weight room for a few minutes when Scott actually gets home.
He fell asleep on the couch and I didn't wake back up until 9am.
So I got up, pitched a little mini fit in my head, and proceeded to smash everything in clean the kitchen.
HOLY duke.
(that's Scott's word for crap)
I felt so bad from eating pizza last  night and drinking like 3 cups of coffee yesterday.
Like, for real felt like I was going to die or explode or something.
In that last few days I've eaten BBQ, zaxby's, Pizza, TONS of cheese, cheetos, gatorade, like 2 pots of coffee, and I'm sure a bunch of other food crap.
Needless to day I am fed up with feeling like this.
I don't even want food anymore.
So after a little potty break (ok, it wasn't exactly a short visit to the b-room), I started to wash dishes again.
It was very therapeutic.
I managed to wash 3 plates before I quit.
I was so angry and pissed and miserable and depressed.
And then...I looked at my kitchen table and saw my juicer sitting there.
That was my AHA! moment.
I'm angry mostly at myself because I've slacked off lately with my health.
I haven't been eating right, I quit juicing, I haven't been working out like I should.
And all of that leads to my house being a wreck because I use all my energy on the girls and then feel so lethargic I don't really even care about vacuuming the carpet or sweeping the kitchen.
And then I feel guilty because Scott doesn't ask for much, but he wants a clean house.
And then I get angry at him because that's easier than accepting the guilt.
Don't worry! It's all good.
Slamming dishes around all morning and washing a couple plates and looking at a juicer sort of flipped a switch for me. I stopped what I was doing and got all the fruit and vegetables I could find and made me a big ole fresh glass of juice.
I drank the whole dang thang y'all and I feel so much better.
I saw Scott laying on the couch and stopped being angry at him.
I washed as many dishes as I could fit into the drying rack. (without slamming a one)
The anger disappeared.
I still haven't worked out today, but I feel more motivated.
I may not make it to the weight room today but I'll take the girls on a walk.
I am thankful for so many things. But sometimes I forget to be grateful. 
Does that make any sense at all?
I have so many amazing blessings in my life, but I get so caught up in myself I forget that God can take it all away as easily as he gave it.
1. the man asleep on my couch right now. 
2. the love that #1 shows me every day
3. two beautiful little girls who look like their daddy
4. a roof over my head. 
5. clothes strewn all over the house
6. dishes in the sink. and on the counter. 
7. a positive balance in the bank account
8. juice stains on the carpet from Maddy learning to use a cup
9. a new shower curtain
10. Lillee's chub rolls
11. Maddy's mile-long eyelashes
12. a TV to watch my Duck Dynasty
13. dreams
14. food in the refrigerator
15. coffee. and creamer.
16. a vacuum cleaner--even if I haven't used it in a few days
17. my body. far from perfect but it's mine and it's whole.
18.a fifth living generation
19. America
20. a double stroller. I can imprison both of them at once
21. hard times that make me stronger
22. Scott's forgiveness
23. and God's, of course. Salvation.

So much more in my life inspires gratitude. I need to acknowledge every single thing.
Be patient with me as I fill you in on all of these blessings.
What fills your heart with thanks?
Don't ignore me...seriously think about because when you actually give it 5 minutes and purposely recognize your blessings, it's really hard to be angry or pitch a fit or slam the dishes around.
Look at my heart is so full of their love, how can I possibly be angry?
and Scott loves me every single day, even when there are dirty clothes on the floor or I didn't scrub the toilet. How can I blame him for leaving his underwear out? 
Today has been a major turnaround for me, and it's not even 10:30 yet.
I'm back on track.
with my eating.
with my fitness goals.
with my attitude.
with our finances.
with Scott.
with God.

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