Monday, March 25, 2013


i wanted to write something funny, cause i'm one funny kid, y'all.
but i have something else to say real quick.
i have been thinking a lot lately about jealousy.
i have seen a lot of it in the people around me lately and its pretty ugly.
it makes people say and do things that are hateful and full of spite.
these people are deceptive, conniving, and manipulative, all because they can't face their own shortcomings in light of others' success.
i dont want to be ugly that way.

so the thing is, jealousy isnt inherently evil...its how we respond when start feeling those pangs of envy.
i have found that often, jealousy, if unchecked, blooms into hatred, insecurity, selfishness, and hostility. those things are so unattractive.
i am on a journey to reroute my thought process when it comes to jealousy.

you see, i had this epiphany.
everyone has a struggle or insecurity, right?
but also a strong trait that they can or should be confident about.
so why be jealous of anyone at all? i mean...the envy and non-envy pretty much balance out so most people are pretty neutral when it comes to enviable characteristics.

first, i want to be happy for that person for the thing that inspires envy.
 she is skinny? good for her, that takes a lot of hard work.
he makes 6 figures a year? what a blessing.
her husband is romantic and "perfect"? God is good. and i bet her husband isnt a hero;)

but then i want to realize that even though i see the things i am jealous of as great, that person has struggles that i cant see or even imagine.
the skinny girl might have a boyfriend who belittles her, the rich guy doesn't have time for a family, and the romantic guy doesn't want kids when she does.

they could all be jealous of me, for all i know.
my point is, when i feel jealousy rising up, i need to stop myself and make it something positive.
I'm happy for that person for having something enviable in his/her life.
And I sympathize for whatever struggle they may be facing and hope they stay strong and overcome it.
then i have to do whatever it takes to get myself to the point they are at that i envy so much.
i need to work hard to get fit, and maybe one day it will pay off and i will be skinny.
i need to start being financially savvy. saving more, spending less, cutting costs as much as possible.
and maybe, just maybe, i'm missing how romantic the hubs really is.
i mean...heck. he goes off and does this crazy dangerous, stressful, massively underpaid job and lets me stay home with the girls.
and doesn't complain.
everyone should be jealous of me, not me jealous of them, right? (ok, maybe that's pushing it)

 i will work on it starting now.

another thing i have realized lately is just how addicted i am to food.
thank God i am fairly healthy and not severely obese or anything, so for right now it is not life threatening, but it could be.
my fitness goals seem to just fly right out of my mind when i think about eating.
sometimes i dont even feel hungry, i just want something.
sometimes it is even something healthy.
always, i find myself with food in my mouth before i realize that i even opened the fridge.

i do not understand why food addiction is so acceptable.
i mean, seriously.
the problem is no one will call it what it is.

compulsive need for and use of a habit-forming substance characterized by tolerance and by well-defined physiological symptoms upon withdrawal; persistent compulsive use of a substance known by the user to be harmful

ok. compulsive need for and use of [food] true. it is like i HAVE to have it. there are times i cannot stop thinking about it.
habit hello: i am in the habit of going to fridge/cabinet freely, to the point that its like autopilot. i dont even have to think about it.
tolerance/withdrawal: the more i eat, the more i need to be satisfied. its like i just cant stop putting the fork to my mouth. and certain things cause major withdrawals. coffee. steak. bread. mayo. no lie...i could eat mayonnaise on almost anything. 

so why are we disgusted by drunks and junkies, but not people who constantly stuff their face?
i mean, now that i've realized that there truly is an addiction here, i'm pretty disgusted with myself.
the bad thing is that, like other addicting habits, food is now designed and enhanced to CAUSE addiction.
what the what?!

on an encouraging note, Scott and i overheard two teens talking at dinner tonight.
girl: yeah, like, i dont really like the whole dieting thing, you know, like i dont want it to be a lifestyle or anything.
boy: yeah i hate it when, like, you are around a group of people and they say something.

wow. i feel like possibly i missed something, but that's definitely what they said.
but now i feel a little better about my health/fitness, because i do, after all, want to have a healthy lifestyle. also, i feel tremendously intelligent when compared to that conversation.

also, today i told scott that i had done something "a while ago" and realized as i said it that as a child, i truly and honestly thought it was "awallago"...
you know, as in "why is that dog hungry? i just fed him awallago."
oh, growing up as a hick kid.

some of scott's recent words:
muster(that's the meeting all the PO-lice have before their shift) = mustard.
scott know that it's actually muster, but says mustard to get on my nerves.
sirene (that's sigh-reen) =siren scott says he goes "lights and sirenes" to a wreck

Maddy's recent accomplishments in the english language:
juice (joo)
Lillee (yuh yee)

Lillee's recent accomplishments:
rolling around like a mad woman
eating REAL food. her favorite is kale.

my recent accomplishments:
well, i got out of bed today, didn't i?

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